He was a Rainbow Seeker

He was a Rainbow Seeker. Not the only one of his kind. Just a special one, as every Rainbow Seeker is. Sometimes it's not easy to be a Seeker, you walk and walk around, rarely finding something. It's worse when you don't know what you are looking for, so you can't name yourself a Seeker, simply because you don't know you are it. And even when you have the courage and the strength to claim a Seeker title for yourself, even then it's hard since people scarcely understand.

-What are you looking for?- people ask. -Give it up and start doing something constructive.

You have children, you have a wife, think to your poor parents, people say. There's always someone else but you. They can't understand what's happening inside you, they can't grasp the necessity, the burning embers in your belly which impede you to have a life without thoughts and dreams. And amongst the Seekers the unluckiest ones are them who are not able to know what they are looking for, although they know they are looking for something. This Seekers feel the urgencies but they don't know about what. And their seeking is just chasing now one dream and then another one, running from a place to a different one, just to find out that what they caught is not what they sought. These Seekers are named Rainbow Seekers by the folk, because what they are chasing is as unattainable as a rainbow. Because you can't catch a dream, since if you catch it, it's not a dream any longer and you loose it.

And he was a Rainbow Seeker. He didn't remember when he became a Seeker, neither when people begun to call him Rainbow Seeker. To be honest, he didn't remember even when noticed scorn in people's voice for the first time. All these things could have been there since always. In his mind they were there since always. But it didn't matter, his seeking was the only important thing. And his seeking was the seeking for happiness.

But happiness is not something you can clutch in your hands. It comes when you find something else, or someone else. At least he thought so. And specifically he believed happiness would come with a woman. The right one.

He had two women in his whole life. It was, in his opinion, useless having a lot of women. The right one is just one, and to taste innumerable different flavours would have just confused his tongue. His first mate was called Regret, the second and presently one was called Hope.

Regret was his first wife, met when they were young, sincerely loved and whom he shared everything with. But something went wrong, it was not possible to know what, neither when. Many years struggling to keep her finished with his surrendering, and the happiness slipped from his hands. Then was when he became a Rainbow Seeker, if he wasn't before.

Hope was his presently mate, young and sweet and beautiful, the one he found seeking happiness, the right one. The right one for a simple reason: she was happy to be with him. He found her amongst a crowd of women he had met, spoke to, shared food with. She was the moon, which full shines brightly to obscure all the stars on the sky. She was the chosen. And yet happiness escaped him.

He had happiness, but he had it no more. Even if he had found what brought happiness. Assailed by doubts he came back to his seeking. He had no doubts about his love for her, nor for her love for him. But he still felt an emptiness, the urgencies in his belly. Something he had had in an another time of his life, which have been torn out from him, was calling at him, but he wasn't able to find it. He felt incomplete, broken. He felt unhappy.

If love didn't bring happiness, what would have brought it? He resumed the journey, and the travel almost brought him far from Hope; wondering if to come back to Regret, he said to himself that it wasn't the answer. Something was wrong and was poisoning his life. And Hope's life as well. He could see the rainbow, but why couldn't he reach it? O yes, a rainbow is just light, is made of the same matter which dreams are made. You can't grab the light, you can just sink in it. And when the light leaves you can just chase it. Was happiness therefore something which you can't hold if its decision is to leave or if the winds of life blow it away? Was happiness something which you could just run after, in a continuous journey through out your and others lives, always yearning and never satisfied? Was happiness like a dream, which at the awakening can remain in your memory or can go washed away by the new day?

The seeking grew harder and harder. He didn't dare travelling to much far from Hope scared to loose her. Indeed he was scared to loose her if he didn't resolve his trouble too. He never walked more than one day far, but the rainbow was always a little bit farer. Desperation started to grow, his soul was unsatisfied, and dissatisfaction doesn't help to reach rainbows. It's like to be in a maze. Just who is out of the maze can be happy, but just who is happy can find the exit of the maze.

The day arrived when he had visited every place which was one day travel far, when he had studied every object and evaluated every achievement which could possibly bring happiness. Yet he didn't find the solution. Wondering on what was wrong with himself, he thought about his past. Though he had found his own place, the locus right to him, though he had found a mate, a job which he loved, he couldn't hold anything of them. He lost happiness, and when he lost happiness he lost everything else.

Maybe... it was just a supposition growing in his mind... maybe he has inverted the order of things. He has started from the principle of reaching the rainbow to find happiness, maybe it was different, and he should start from happiness to reach the rainbow.

But if this was the right order, where and how could he find happiness?

This concept went with more thoughts. All things he had in the past didn't give him happiness, but the happiness had given them to him. The same Hope couldn't give happiness to him. Indeed he would risk to loose her if he wouldn't be able to find the happiness.

Following this line of thoughts, it wasn't possible finding happiness somewhere, then, where looking for it? An idea grabbed his mind. If happiness wasn't somewhere, should be nowhere. Which was the gloomiest place where he could look for?

It was so that he undertook a journey in a new landscape. He didn't reach his rainbow, yet. His new journey is just at the beginning, but he's sure to be on the right route. He wouldn't look at Hope for happiness any more, nor to someone else or something else. He would found happiness to grant Hope of it, and the only place where he could find it was inside himself.

He didn't reach the rainbow, yet, but he is on the right route.

He was a Rainbow Seeker.